In a recent post I talked about my decision to pull Evelyn out of public school and homeschool her, and the ups and downs following that decision. After three months of homeschooling I made the choice to enroll her in a three day a week private kindergarten.
I have to say that I am immensely happy with both decisions in recent months.
1. My bravery to yank her out of a situation I found utterly objectionable in the middle of the year.
2. And my recognition that right now is not the right time for me (and maybe never will be) – while pregnant, working a moderately flexible day time schedule from home, writing and researching my book, and being in the process of a move which was somewhat limiting our ability to make new friends.
There are times to be strong and persevere. Honestly, I am a master at that and do not give up on things prematurely. There were lots of comments encouraging me not to give up and, while I appreciate them immensely – the comments always get me thinking – only we really know our limits. I had hit mine.
Now Evelyn is in a kindergarten three days a week. The curriculum far surpasses that of her public school curriculum. Her teacher has 7 students as opposed to 30 and is just about as lovely as can be. They do not assign kindergartners homework – some reading books at home yes, but not rote letter tracing and addition problems. All of the staff is well educated and they are 100% supportive of our Paleo diet. Evelyn is herself thrilled to be amongst friends all day long for those three days. She never wants me to come pick her up until the last minute.
As for me, my house is quiet three days a week. My work schedule is sufficient again. I have time to write and have quiet in which to do it well. I can go to the gym in the morning. I can take walks and breath fresh air (when it’s not bitter cold outside) and think of adult things without high pitched interruptions. All of this is only three days a week, but it’s a miracle what a difference it has made.
Grown up time means a lot to me. Maybe that makes me less of a mother, at least that’s what I’ve always thought. But I don’t seem to have the capacity to become a kid all day like some moms do. My mother didn’t either. But I recognize these limitations. I understand my needs and I am a better mother for it.
It’s important to remember that nothing about what we’re doing here is Primal. Our isolated lives in our single family homes just isn’t natural. Mothers being attached 100% of the time to their children isn’t how nature intended it. Human beings are pack animals. Women are meant to support each other as parents in a tribal setting. And children too are meant to haven influences of all types and ages, at all times of day.
I think it is no surprise that I found it hard to be cooped up most days at home raising one child by myself. What is Primal about that? From now on I intend to find ways to at least somewhat mimic the way humans were meant to live and grow together.
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February 24, 2012 at 8:16 am
Good for you, Peggy! You’re right. Only you know your limits. Further, I don’t think needing grown-up time makes you less of a mother at all. I think it probably makes you a better mother. You are able to regroup and recharge so that you can be excellently focused on your daughter, present and active with her. Without some time for quiet and your own activities, you might be exasperated and impatient. I’m also glad Evelyn is enjoying her new class and having fun with new friends!
February 24, 2012 at 9:53 am
You’re right of course, it doesn’t really make me less of a mother. I know women, though, who are patient and full of energy and great at parenting as their primary job. I admire that. But for me, I can only be a really kick ass mom if I give myself plenty of alone time and time to pursue my own interests. Thankfully, as long as I get that I am content to devote myself fully to thoughtful parenting.
February 24, 2012 at 9:12 am
Good for you! It takes bravery to make such changes, and it sounds like they’re working out for the best, so yay!
February 24, 2012 at 9:14 am
Congratulations on finding a suitable resolution for everyone. You might try again later, you might not. Right now, it’s the perfect thing for all of you and that’s the best anyone can do.
There’s always another option. There were a thousand possibilities for this situation, and this is the one that works for your family. Never be content with the lesser of two evils.
February 24, 2012 at 9:52 am
You are 100% right that today’s parenting is now how it’s supposed to be! “It takes a community to raise a child.” No idea who said that first, but my grandmother told me that when I first had my daughter. Wiser words never spoken.
Never feel guilty for making the best decision for your daughter and your family.
February 24, 2012 at 11:28 am
Making tough choices is a parent’s worst nightmare. Are we making the right decision? Is this going to be the best thing for my child?
I am glad your daughter is in a better school situation now. Never feel guilty about taking time to be an adult!
February 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm
“Becoming a kid all day” does not sound like parenting to me. I can’t imagine our ancestors acting like anything other than adults when children were around. That’s how kids learn to be adults – observing adult behavior and mimicking it – not from infantilized adults. Your situation sounds much healthier now than before, for both of you. I’m very glad to hear you have found such a great solution.
February 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Funny, Angel. I didn’t like the way I worded that but couldn’t quickly find a replacement. I don’t think the women who are great at full time parenting become kids all day but somehow they are able to relate on a kid level without popping out constantly. That’s my trouble. I lose focus on kid stuff if I don’t have a break.
February 25, 2012 at 10:24 am
That may not have been what you meant, but I thought it was a good way to word it! I think we all know parents (especially mothers) who are so caught up in staying at the kid level that either they can’t pop out of it and be an adult with adults, or it in some other way seriously warps their personality. It’s not healthy for anyone to have their life revolve entirely around their child(ren)… definitely not Primal, like you said.
February 27, 2012 at 10:11 am
Yeah, no kidding! When my daughter was still an infant, I went out to eat with some friends and, at the end of the dinner, realized I had talked about nothing other than baby stuff. It was embarrassing actually. Imagine those who stay like that forever. Ahhhhh!
February 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm
It’s taken me a long time to realize that I am an even better mom when I can have time away from my kiddos. And you’re so right on about being isolated not being Primal at all. I think a woman can go crazy “just staying home” with no real mingling, and by that I don’t mean “mommy/kid groups. I’ve never been good at those and I am always itching to leave. I homeschool all three of my children and I am finding that I love it but I need to find a part-time something outside the home to. Haven’t exactly found what that is
but it is coming. If I desire and need something, put that request out there in the world and then seek it I know I will find it. Thanks for writing this. So right on.
February 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Yeah, mommy groups never worked for me either. I gave em a good shot but never felt any less lonely hanging out with a bunch of lonely moms seeking something beyond caring for their children. I’m sure they’re great for some people, but not me! Personally I crave learning and creating. I can’t really do it on the level that I desire with little ones present, or at least I haven’t discovered that ideal little harmony yet.
Good luck to you finding your place out there!
February 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I definitely don’t think needing you-time makes you less of a mom. I don’t have kids yet, so I am not speaking from experience, but here’s how I feel. For a long time I was adamant that I did not want kids at all. When I was growing up, my sister and I were the focus of my mom’s life. She really didn’t have any hobbies or passions besides us. I couldn’t imagine putting aside all the things I love and becoming a mom-only, subsuming my personality and passions in raising children, and so my response was to say “no kids.” However, this is something that my husband and I have talked about and when the time comes there is room for compromise. I won’t sell my horse, but I won’t be competing with her either; she will be a pet, a family member. I’m sure other passions will recede, but I think staying true to myself will make me a better example; we need to show kids that adults have passions and do things!
February 24, 2012 at 5:58 pm
That’s awesome that you figured out the best situation. I’m sure your little girl is so happy to have school a little bit, she seems very social.
Everyone needs alone time… I don’t blame you for doing the school thing.
February 24, 2012 at 6:40 pm
My BF and I have been in the education system for nearly all of our memorable lives, and we’ve recently concluded that a 3-day-on, 1-day-off school week would be much better than our current 5-day-on, 2-day-off school week. It looks like the school you have Evelyn in is catching on to that notion that 5-day-on just doesn’t work. Keep up your hard work, and consider yourself lucky!
February 25, 2012 at 4:26 am
So very true – humans need other humans, even strong introverts like me. We just aren’t designed to live in little vacuums, to have no lives outside our children.
I wish I could send this article back about 7-8 years to the mother I was then – but will happily Share it around to my mommy friends who are there now. Thank you!
February 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
Way to go on finding an arrangement that works better for your family. It is nutso to expect that we as mothers can be happy and balanced while spending every minute with our kids, with little or no help taking care of them. It doesn’t work (for the vast majority of us, anyway), and it’s outside the sociobiological norm for our species. My daughter is almost three, and I just started the first formal thing I have done without her since she was born (taking classes that will position me for a new career once she’s in school). Having more help with her and having some time away from her where I get to do adult things has been amazing.
February 27, 2012 at 10:08 am
Kristin,
I left my daughter during the days for the first time just after she turned two. I hadn’t thought of getting help before that and the only reason I did then was because I became a single mom and had to work. My mom had been a 100% stay at home mom so that just seemed natural to me. But let me tell you how remarkable it was to stand back from motherhood and take some time for my old self!
I started challenging myself and growing in ways I had before I became a mom. I got back into playing the piano again, I studied more, and even made more friends. Ultimately, I became a richer person again and had more to offer my daughter.
When I was 19, I found out that my mom had been a professional ballerina, a painter, and a sculptor. I had never known any of this until her sister told me. My mom gave up everything to raise her kids. It’s really too bad. I could have had so much more respect for and interest in my mom had she held on to what was inside her.
February 26, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support
Well done for finding a solution that works for you and your daughter.
I homeschool my three but if I was single, and couldn’t count on getting my big-person time in the evenings and parts of the weekend, then I’d be seriously considering some sort of schooling arrangement. Or an au pair
The set-up you choose has to work for each of you, and the family unit as a whole.
February 28, 2012 at 8:59 am
Peggy, this is great to hear.
I’m a homeschooling mom, yes, but it’s very hard. I feel like I’m pushing against my limit a lot these days. I have to get serious about finding something that works better. I’m glad you did. It sounds like you made a good choice.
February 28, 2012 at 9:49 pm
I could be wrong – but, I feel like there is a lot of secrecy or blatant lying about how difficult it can be to have children. I don’t have them – yet. And this feeling of not knowing what I’m really getting into troubles me. I am disturbed at the modern trend of being on the kid-level 24/7, so-called ‘play dates’ and all of the scheduling – I have a job where I see the most asinine brat kids ever – their parents are stressed, etc. and seem to have zero parenting skills. I have compassion for the parents – and the kids for that matter, just not sure if I want to risk this lifestyle if it’s inevitable.
My mom was never a ‘kid’ with me – when I was an infant/toddler perhaps, but when I was 4-5 I played in my room, outside, with a friend with my brother, etc. – not my mom, nor would I expect it. You are an adult, not child – you have every right to have your own life! So, bravo for you!
(apparently there is a popular book now – something like ‘raising a bebe’ – a french take on child rearing…probably interesting, but not sure if the author mentions all the health care, child care, vacation time, etc the French get versus Americans).
Just wanted to chime in with my support – it makes you a better mother, I think!
March 3, 2012 at 3:16 pm
I think it depends on the parent, but in some cases I am sure you are right. It’s hard to admit and to be ridiculed for admitting that parenting is hard. Few people have the guts to admit to any of the difficulties they experience in life, parenting is just another one. Nobody wants to appear weak. I don’t care that much about what people think of me. I am weak in lots of ways and very strong plenty others. I think it’s important to be honest about this stuff so that other mothers don’t feel alone. But not everyone thinks this way. Mostly, people want to appear as rocks. So yeah, take it with a grain of salt. Some of them are full of it! Some of them, of course, really are saints (as mothers and utter failures in other aspects of their lives. That’s life!)
April 3, 2012 at 9:09 pm
Spot on! I found myself in therapy, dealing with what I thought was postpartum depression, to find out that what I was actually dealing with was not taking care of myself. My therapist (this was a while back now) told me this very thing – we are not meant to raise our kids alone. That is completely unnatural and no wonder I, and many other women, was in therapy. Society makes us think we are complete failures and terrible moms if we can’t be everything to our child 24/7.
I am fortunate to have two grandmothers in the picture that want to actually help out. My daughter stays with one or the other at least once a week (all day, all night, and most or all of the next day). When I started taking them up on their offers to help out every time, I discovered I could be much happier and a much better parent.
Glad you found your balance. A good mom realizes their needs are just as important (or more) than their child’s.
April 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm
Thank you so much for sharing that. After three months of homeschooling in the way that we were doing it, and I didn’t have much of a choice since I have to work, I couldn’t imagine what I’d be like after years. I stayed at home with Evelyn for the first 2 years but back then I didn’t work and I had a lot of friends and stuff to do during the days. I wasn’t complaining… much. I mean, a tribe still would have been so much better.
Indeed our society is backwards and us mothers end up feeling guilty because of it.
November 9, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I just found your blog and would like to say that for the things I don’t envy of them, I do envy the community aspect of the modern day tribe. I have 2 children and I’ve been a stay at home mom for nearly 4 years now and I will tell you it’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. Everyone tells you when you’re pregnant that it takes a village to raise a child but no one ever tells you where the village is or how the heck to get there! I don’t have family around who help out. Some days, I’d like to pull my hair out…and getting hubby to understand is like trying to walk through a brick wall. Since the very start of these 4 years, I have always felt a little silly for wishing I could magically find myself in a tribal setting but you are so right. This mothering business would be a whole lot easier if we could be a bunch of mothers, aunts, sisters, grandmas and great grandmas hanging out in the center of camp with our stew pots and herbs, all watching each others’ children.