The Primal Parent

Split-Custody Kids and Half Time Parents

| 19 Comments

All these years that my daughter’s dad and I have shared custody, Evelyn has been seeing an incomplete representation of her parents. She doesn’t see the non-parent side of either of us – a side that most parents don’t even get to see, themselves, once they become parents.

What will this mean to her as she grows up? Will she feel like she’s been fooled? We all see the world through our very own colored glasses and have to work it out somehow. So maybe it will mean nothing to her. The reality that we know is not really reality after all.

My Monday through Friday life:

Monday through Friday Evelyn is with me. She goes to school all week and after school we do family things. To us that means playing at the park, taking long bike rides, reading at the cafe (well, me reading and her drawing), occasionally watching a streaming Netflix nature show on my 14” laptop screen, grocery shopping, card games, puzzles – family stuff mostly but always sprinkled with a hint of an alternative lifestyle.

Our living room is a full music studio in which we make lots of noise with guitars, piano playing, drumming, and singing. We are a fun family. We don’t have a tv so we hang out a lot and entertain ourselves with cool activities. We spend a lot of time outside when it’s warm, taking bike rides, playing at the river, doing mountain stuff, going to festivals. In the winters we snowboard.

But Friday and Saturdays are a totally different story.

My Friday and Saturday life:

On Friday evening she heads off to dad’s. With the wave of a wand, I’m not a parent anymore. It was the weirdest thing at first, after having been a stay at home mom the first two years of Evelyn’s life. Even though I miss her when she’s gone, she’s gone. There’s no changing it. I’m alone, in an adult world. What am I going to do, parent her dolls while she’s away? No, I’m going to not be a parent while she’s away.

This space away from parenting makes me a very different type of parent than full time parents are. I have been both and the two are wildly different. I am able to be independent, to be crazy or irresponsible if I want to be, to pursue my own interests and my own personal life, to talk with adults like an adult (trained at leaving the poopy diapers conversation behind).

Often times that just means getting some extra reading and writing done at a cafe, especially now with the book coming up.

But it also means dinner dates with my boyfriend which keeps me young and our relationship fresh. And sometimes it means late nights out on the town. I look as young as I feel and so I dress as young as I look (yeah I shop at Forever21) when we go out to shake our booties at a club or to a bar to drink too much and talk philosophy. The next day the hangover doesn’t interfere with parenting because I’m not a parent on Saturdays anyway. (I don’t actually drink often or much these days because I don’t like hangovers but I have my phases!)

Saturday afternoons we either take advantage of our squeaky-voice-less house to record music until our heads explode or we go snowboarding. We don’t ease down the green runs like my daughter probably imagines but we speed down the double blacks and sail big air at the park.

Evelyn has no idea!

It’s not like she hasn’t seen my wild side here and there over the years but she mostly witnesses my parent personality. I was very much 100% parent in those first two years. I didn’t have family around to help out and so I was always at home with the kid. You kind of lose your younger person, then, the original you. But for me, in the last 4 years, I’ve been ¾ parent and ¼ not parent. The original me is hanging out for a couple of days every week.

It’s interesting. A child that lives in two different houses has an incomplete view of her parents.

I don’t know, of course, what her dad would be like if he were her full time parent but chances are it would be very different from what kind of parent he is 2 days a week. Two day a week parents don’t have to impose much discipline. The two of them barely come down from the high of not having seen each other for a week and so it’s an easier ride.

Evelyn’s view of her dad is probably more saintly than it should be and majorly incomplete. I can’t imagine how much she could glean from him in two days a week. Her view of me is more wholesome than it probably should be and also somewhat incomplete.

So what’s this going to mean as she grows up? I’m not sure. All of us have distorted views of our parents in some way so maybe it’s no big deal. She is growing up in 2 healthy homes. She’s loved. She’s entertained and well educated. Everything is pretty ideal actually. It’s just that her two little worlds aren’t quite what they would be if mom and dad were 100% parents. Oh well, incomplete views of reality are reality – our view of the world is ever so limited to begin with.

I’m sure you must have your own stories about hidden aspects of your own lives. Is it just a split custody thing or is it a parent thing? Are kids of broken families living in more of a fantasy land than their peers or is childhood simply fantasy land?

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19 Comments

  1. I just read your entire story the other day about the bike accident and your sister. You’ve been through a lot! Very inspirational to say the least.

    I come from the healthiest happiest two parent family and it seems like everybody grows up with “issues” no matter what! ;)

  2. Gee…sounds kinda cool to me. As a full time mom of 5 kids 11 and under I think I’m jealous of your “kidless weekends”! LOL

    • It is cool, especially for a person like me who has always been very independent. But it has its drawbacks too. While I probably spend more time with my kid than most mom’s do (no tv and don’t work late) I still feel like I’m not as close to her as I was in the first two years. I’m figuring out ways to fix that though!

  3. I was in Evelyn’s situation from 5th grade through high school – I saw my dad on Tuesdays and every other weekend, so two days on average.

    As it happened, I saw my dad more often after the divorce than before. I used to only see him after he came back from work. He’d play with me and my brother, and then my mom would yell at him for distracting us from our homework. That was the only side I saw.

    When I started seeing him for 2 whole days a week instead of a couple hours each night, I realized that he didn’t actually know how to be a parent to us. We’d gotten too old to play with the way he did before.

    So yes, I was a bit older than Evelyn, but there is no question that I was still a child who lived in two different houses. But as a result, I acquired a more complete view of my parents rather than develop an incomplete view. To prove it, I now know that, more than anything, my dad is a hard-working businessman who is constantly trying to reclaim his youth! Honestly, I really can’t say if this complete view of him did anything to help or harm my development.

    Anyway, here are the important points:
    1) A child’s view of his or her parents depends on what persona the parent chooses to show, not the marriage status.
    2) An incomplete view of her parents isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And she’s still young! As she gets older, you and your ex can, should, and probably will act more like yourselves and less like parents.

  4. I’ll bet your daughter is more observant than you think. 8)

    My mom always tried to paint a good picture of my dad, and while we were always excited to spend a few days with him, the “fun parent,” we knew we were lucky to have mom as the “real parent.”

    We always knew we were getting the incomplete version of dad as he only played the parental role a few times a year, but I didn’t realize my mom had a “non-parent” side until I was in high school and saw her drinking in public for the first time. 8)

    Even though my mom managed to surprise me, I did not feel fooled…if anything, I was happy she was out having a good time and had taken a break from worrying about us kids.

  5. First off I happened across your page on facebook thru someone elses page. I have enjoyed reading you blogs. I have a son who is soon to be 12 and he is split between me and my ex husband 50/50. One week with me, one week with dad….goes back and forth each Sunday. It just so happens that we both work jobs that allow us to be able to drop off and pick up from school without having to depend on the other parent. Colin gets the best of both worlds and he gets to see all sides of his parents. His father and I have the same rules and routines with him. Its worked beautifully for almost 4 years now and we live within 1.5 miles of eachother. I know this is a unique situation but I’m thankful everyday that his father, unlike a lot of fathers….is still able to somewhat have a constant presence in his sons life, attend school meetings, do homework, participate in sports and well….basically be the type of parent he would be if he were with him everyday. I have friends that have similar situations as yours where their children never see the non-parent side of them and it’s a constant honeymoon with Daddy. You sound like a excellent parent, we need more parents like you in this world!

  6. My son goes to his dad’s house every wednesday, thursday, and every other weekend. I often wonder what he thinks about us as parents. We parent very differently, and live very different lives. My husband and I live our life in balance, eat primal, and generally try to just have fun. I’m not sure what goes on at the other house, but I know the kid that comes back to me is usually tired and a bit stressed (sugar withdrawals every week are a good time…). Will be interesting to see how he handles that as he gets older.

  7. As a step parent to 3 kids, I can relate. The worst part about split custody though is when my wife and I try to teach a healthy lifestyle and feed the kids good food, only to have our effort thwarted as soon as they’re handed off to their dad.

    Oh how they love that bad food and hate our good food (which is quite tasty actually). I can only hope that they will one day see the light when they are older and are able to make decisions based on sound rationale, and not just impulse/feel good sensations.

  8. That sounds like it’s a good balance for Evelyn, and for you. I come from a broken home and I rarely saw my dad. I never saw the parent side of my mom because she was a jerk that was always on some kind of drug. I always had my grandmother though. I think when you have kids (keep in mind I actually have no idea as we don’t have any yet) it’s really important to not lose your identity and only be a parent. “Yeah I shop at Forever 21″ Haha, awesome

  9. ‘a side that most parents don’t even get to see, themselves, once they become parents.’
    Wait you mean playing trains all day isn’t adult like? Lol. Yeah I’m jealous of your free time… Though, my kids are really young so I wouldn’t want the free time anyway id rather be with them. It probably makes you a better parent in the long run with a short break.

    • It probably does. I was a marvelous parent for the two years I stayed at home full time (and while she was that young I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way) but getting back in touch with who I am and pursuing my own dreams has made me a much happier person inside. But that’s just me and my very independent self. There are many women who are “mothers”, you know? That is what makes them them. My mom was one of those. So it depends on the woman I suppose. With my next child I intend to find a way to stay at home with my child and continue to do all the things that make me me. I’m leaps and bounds healthier now as I was only just starting Paleo when I was pregnant last time. It will be easier to have more energy.

  10. I think I phrased that wrong. I mean I think your weekend breaks might make you a better parent in the long run.

  11. I’m in a similar situation. I have a rotating calendar where I share custody 50/50 with my ex. I love my girls, as any parent would. But I do enjoy the days, just like you have described. And do I think it hurts the girls? In my case, not at all. I am me. Yes, I do things that I wouldn’t do when they are around, but they get to see their Daddy in reality as well – full of life, fun and playful. I’m still their Father, but they don’t see just one side of me at any time. I doubt your daughter does either. You sound like too much fun to be just that way around your boyfriend!

    • Good point. I wouldn’t say that she doesn’t see the fun side of me! When my face isn’t stuck in a book I’m always having fun. Maybe it’s just that I have the unique opportunity to get to enjoy my wild side. That she doesn’t she and barely knows it exists. And if it weren’t for the split custody, it barely would exist.

  12. It’s exactly that selfish (split-personality) attitude as to why folks get divorced in the first place. Responsible parents and life-long couples are the ones who stay together, raise their children and maintain some of the identity on who they like being. The good spouse ensures their spouse doesn’t lose who they are. If one enjoys reading or playing a sport, then the other supports and works at providing their loved one time to do so. A good couple also finds time to do things they enjoy as a couple. Catch that movie, enjoy a dinner out…but not a the expense of parenting. Responsible parenting is allowing your children to see you as you, so they can learn to time-manage, work hard and together at finding balance for all family members…So one day, the children too can be good spouses and responsible parents…A partial of anyone is just that…a partial.

  13. Just curious, and maybe you’ve touched on this elsewhere, but how does Evelyn’s dad handle her eating? Does he respect how you feed her?