My Dad Died of Alzheimer’s Last Week and It Wasn’t My Business to Save Him
16 Apr
My dad and I hitchhiking from Mexico down to Belize City. He was 67. I was 24.
Two years ago I packed up my apartment in California, said goodbye to my friends and my boyfriend, Julian, and drove out to Colorado with my daughter and a car full of our belongings.
My dad had been diagnosed with vascular dementia a few months before and my mom, who had just had a hip replacement, needed help taking care of him. The disease had come on slowly and, in his confusion, my dad had squandered their life’s savings. There was a lot to be done.
I stayed in the house for three months and then my brothers, a nephew, a niece, and a family friend took turns helping out after that.
It wasn’t easy, though, for any of us. My mom was a wreck. Who could blame her, I suppose – taking care of one husband that saw herds of elephants trampling through his bedroom, and one daughter, my sister, who had her own massive set of problems.
My mom isn’t healthy and hasn’t been all of my adult life. She eats desserts mostly and downs pots of coffee with ultra pasteurized cream each day. At this point she barely ever ate at all – maybe it was a symptom of her depression, maybe it was a symptom of one of her many other imbalances, but she seemed to enjoy the fact that her moronic doctor prescribed Ensure “to get some nutrition in her.” Sugar. Yum, right?
My mother and sister were addicted to prescription drugs – the only relief from their lives which had become so meaningless and their bodies which suffered so much pain. Both of them rarely left the house anymore. Neither of them ever let the sun touch their skin. Neither had friends. Neither had purpose. Both of them loaded up their bodies with chemicals, wheat, and sugar.
I had envisioned that I would help everyone in that house get their shit together. All of their diets needed cleaning up. Some attitude changes were certainly in order. My sister, Liz, needed a purpose.
Liz had always struggled to find her place in the world, and keep focus on her talents. She was a poet and a painter. She had a deep respect for health and food but couldn’t force herself to make the right decisions consistently.
Peggy to the rescue! I thought.
Well, kind of. She said that watching Evelyn and I eat so cleanly and look so motivated had a profound effect on her. She became Evelyn’s artistic mentor. I suppose her life was better while we were there than it had been for two years. But I couldn’t force her to stop taking drugs. I couldn’t force her to make friends, to get outside, to eat better, to exercise. All I could do was try to be a good example and I’ll tell you that wasn’t easy in that gloomy house.
I was 32 years old and all of these people around me seemed to be dying. They were miserable people. Depression and anger and irrationality abounded. I could only take small doses before I felt like I would lose it too.
My dad, on the other hand, was a breath of fresh air each day.
He was cute. He had the vocabulary of a scholar and the mind of a six year old. He went for walks alone in the middle of the night barefoot in the snow. We tried to stop him by putting bells on the front door and sleeping on the couch but often we ended up tracking him down at 2 or 3AM anyway. He strolled over to safeway to get milk in the afternoons, allowing the clerks to count out his money for him. He looked for bugs in the carpet that weren’t actually there and recruited my daughter to help him. He fought wars with old army buddies in his pajamas. He bounced Evelyn on his knee and told her to pick up after herself and mind her manners. He shuffled through old papers as if they were still important. He fixed Evelyn’s broken toys. And every time Julian or one of my brothers came to visit from out of state or overseas we’d play poker, slowly, but we’d play.
But saving him wasn’t an option. Trying to reverse his disease at this point would have been impossible. His brain had atrophied substantially, his hormones were out of whack, his digestion impaired, and he was developing what is often referred to as Diabetes of the Brain or Alzheimer’s disease. On top of that he was my mom’s husband. Even though she wasn’t fit to take care of herself, he was hers to take care of. I had no control in that house. I couldn’t come in and clean up their lives as I had so desperately hoped.
When I changed my diet 7 years ago and witnessed such massive transformations in myself, I wanted to save my loved ones too. I tried to force feed my mom with all this traditional wisdom mumbo jumbo but she was adamantly against the idea that she had ever done anything wrong. My sister was all for it but didn’t have the discipline. My dad thought it was fine for me but he didn’t need it.
Some people want help and some don’t.
We aren’t going to save the world with our knowledge of nutrition and disease. Addiction and belief are powerful forces. We can help ourselves and others who ask for it and we can accept things the way they are. That’s all.
Those three months were challenging. If I didn’t have a 4 year old kid to raise, if I had felt a little more detached from the reality of their problems, if I hadn’t suddenly relocated and left my life in California, if my mom weren’t depressed, angry, and controlling, if my mom and sister weren’t high all the time, it would have been easier.
But none of that matters now. My dad and sister are dead and those months are just about as precious to me as any time I ever spent with them.
It’s better that he’s gone anyway. His last few months were tough. His hip gave out and gout attacked his feet. He couldn’t walk anymore without falling and doing himself some real harm. He couldn’t hear well. He didn’t know who any of us were. Somehow he was content anyway, unlike many who decline in this way. He was a go-with-the-flow kind of guy, always basically happy with his lot in life. But, still, what kind of life is that?
Thursday afternoon he unexpectedly died, at age 78. He had stopped eating and there wasn’t much they could do to save him. I sat with his yellowing, motionless body for hours. I think I could have stayed there for days. He looked so calm and serious, just like I remembered him.
My dad, who I traveled all over Mexico and Central America with, who taught me math, who taught me to ski and to rock climb and to scuba dive, who gave me my cold and terse personality, is gone. Ah fuck man. My dad was bad ass. He just didn’t know that TV dinners, ice cream, and soda would rot his brain. And, frankly, he didn’t care.
He was an engineer. He read and did body resistance exercise everyday of his life up until he couldn’t anymore. He studied and solved problems. He watched very little TV. He did yard work and fixed things. He walked a lot.
Aren’t those the things which mainstream experts say will prevent Alzheimer’s disease?
Well, it’s all bullshit.
Without nutrition you haven’t got a chance in this world.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But, the wisdom of your post is very important to people who live the paleo/primal lifestyle. I’ve found that the most difficult thing about the paleo/primal lifestyle is not giving up bread or desserts or your favorite thing that you now know is poison. The hardest thing is watching the people you love make terrible nutrition decisions, even after you have tried to tell them why those decisions are terrible for them, knowing it will cause them pain both in the short term and in the long term. The helpless feeling that is watching others you love poison themselves daily is frustrating.
I am very thankful that I learned about this lifestyle and that my wife and I have made the changes we have. And I am thankful for the family members and friends that have bought into it as well and are now healthier and happier as a result. But you are right, you can’t change people that don’t want to change, you can only be an example and hope they will eventually come around. Thanks for sharing your loss, and thanks for a very important message.
My condolences, Peggy. You had a tough road to hoe.
I know what you mean about being able to help ONLY those who want to be helped. I have been spreading my “discoveries” about nutrition for about two years, and can happily report that I have helped many of my sisters slim down and become much healthier.
My messages, however, have had no impact on my overweight/unhealthy sister-in-law, and had none on her husband, my brother, who died last November of cancer. I also have very little positive influence on my mother who lives in a seniors’ assisted-living apartment where they serve margarine instead of butter! Mom has a form of dementia which is getting worse by the week. But this dear 86-year-old insists that she is fine and healthy and there is no reason to change a thing. She certainly does not want to eat more saturated fat and cut out bread.
Yes, we do what we can and help those who are open to our suggestions, but that’s the best we can do.
Thanks for sharing your blog.
Aj
Your story is very sad and on one hand, I’m sure, very difficult to write. On the other hand, you are being very generous and courageous sharing your emotions and experiences in the hopes of offering advice. I thank you for that. I am very sorry for the losses you have endured in your family.
My sister, Aj, (who has commented above) has been a rock in our family to those of us open to this new paleo concept. We are often questioning her about various things we are experiencing while finding our own niche in this lifestyle. The weight loss was only the beginning but the health aspect is what is keeping us true.
I do wish that other members of my family and the circle of friends I care about most would be as open as we were. We can’t save everyone but instead continue on our own path and hope eventually others, those that need it most, will fall into line.
Thanks for your post! It is awesome reading!
Peggy, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for this post. I have a loved one with vascular dementia too, this was touching.
May he rest in peace. Peggy, you are an inspiration and a help to many who want it, including me. Thanks.
I’m sorry about your father. It’s so hard to hold back when others are making choices you think are crazy, health or otherwise. But you’re right: what we eat is a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves.
My own family has a history of Alzheimer’s, so this story really hit home for me. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Ali,
Thank you. I wish you the best with your challenges with this disease.
I didn’t hold back in the beginning. When my health first started to improve, when I first started reading voraciously, I talked my parents’ ears off. I drove them crazy and myself crazy too. I tried so many angles to get at them but whatever I did never worked. Eventually I realized that it wasn’t my place to change them and I quit trying.
Once you accept it and quit fighting, it’s a lot easier.
Wow, this really hit home for me as well. Alzheimer’s runs on my dad’s side of the family and is very prevalent. My dad thinks by doing all the brain exercises, working outside, etc. like you mentioned in the post, he will beat it. Except, he just yesterday he told me that at his age, he is not going to change now, he is going to continue enjoying his food that he likes. It kills me, and I will continue to try and help, but so far most of my family thinks I”m crazy. Oh well. I just need to focus on myself, my husband, and my 2 wonderful little boys.
Sorry for your loss, Peggy. You are First Generation on a new planet. Evelyn and your new baby will benefit from everything you have learned. Weston Price had said that the healthy tribes he found had accumulated wisdom passed down generations thru trial and error. May we learn from the past so that the future may be brighter.
Hi Peggy,
I’m literally crying silently as I read this at the library (thank goodness I’m at a cubicle)!
I’m going through similar struggles with family members and your post means a lot.
Thank you.
Thank you for this article. MY mother is living with us. I moved her from Boston to Madison in hopes of fixing her dementia, which turned out to be Alzheimers. Unfortunately, she is home alone during the day. It is scary for me, but she is doing much better than she was on her own.
I commend you for trying to do everything possible to help everyone, but you are right, you can’t make others do for themselves what works for you. It is impossible. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for this because it sounds like my family, I am dealing with my dad battling Alzheimer’s disease also. He is 86, skiiny as a rail, hardly eats now. His diet is not good, but nothing I can do to change this now (or even before). Your dad and my dad sound very similar, both engineers, both physcially active around the house, fixing this, solving problems. I am very sorry that you lost him and there was nothing you could not to reverse it. Even if we could with diet, not everyone wants to change.
Both my sisters are ill with many physical aliments, one sister just had her 18th surgery and may not be able to walk due to being overweight and having degenerative bone disease early, etc, etc. Both are on prescription drugs 24/7 for pain. They refuse to change their diets and lifestyles. Sure scares the crap out of me……so I follow a paleo stype diet and exercise in hopes this wont be me!!!!! My health has done a 180 since I cleaned up my diete 4 years ago. My hope is I can stay healthy and I wont be facing a life of prescription drugs. pain and getting diseases that usually older people get (my sisters have them younger than usual).
I hope the same for you, that with your awareness of diet keeps you healthy beyond your years!
Again, I am sorry for your loss. Allow time to grieve and heal. Rest. Give yourself a break. Thank you for your courage through words.
I hear you Peggy. Not much to say that makes anything better, other than you did what you needed to do – you packed up and went there. You stood when your dad couldn’t stand, and you carry on for him, because he’s passed you the torch. You did good. So so many ignore this call that comes at some point in our lives, and miss the chance to have that last piece of time with their families. I have family with ‘shipwrecked’ health, and they hear me, but they don’t grab hold or latch on to the promise of (if vibrant health is already too far outa the ball park) better health. You know you’re not alone. Nothing clever or add at this point – so all I can see is chin up, and stay on the road you KNOW is best. Find the beauty in each small moment of every day.
My condolences for your loss, Peggy.
When I changed my diet 7 years ago and witnessed such massive transformations in myself, I wanted to save my loved ones too. I tried to force feed my mom with all this traditional wisdom mumbo jumbo but she was adamantly against the idea that she had ever done anything wrong. My sister was all for it but didn’t have the discipline. My dad thought it was fine for me but he didn’t need it.
Some people want help and some don’t.
We aren’t going to save the world with our knowledge of nutrition and disease. Addiction and belief are powerful forces. We can help ourselves and others who ask for it and we can accept things the way they are. That’s all.
Same story here. It makes me sick.
I’ve been questioned by so many people that saw my physical transformation, and when I even try to tell them basic principles, it’s like trying to describe colors to a person that was born blind.
The corporate programming of our mass media culture about health and nutrition is so entrenched in the average person’s mind, anything that doesn’t fit with the program causes cognitive dissonance, and they shrug and move on forgetting that the truth standing right in front of them is living proof that they’re thoughts and beliefs may perhaps be mistaken…
I have a vegan brother. The rest of my family thinks I’m going to die of a heart attack because I eat so much “red meat” (those are SCARE quotes) bacon, and butter.
I’ve had some good friends switch from using margarine to real butter and quit drinking sodas…but that’s about it. The selling point was my cooking for them and they could taste the dramatic difference in food drenched in high grade butter.
Yet, when I try to explain that saturated fats are vital and that grass fed butter is rich in fat soluble vitamins, they still don’t get it. They regularly joke about how they use butter for taste, even if “they’ll die earlier” from eating it.
I’ve explained it numerous times, but it just doesn’t register. I no longer try anymore.
Time, I think, is proving me right.
I’m almost 40.
I’m now hitting the point for which whenever I run into old friends, acquaintances and family members that I haven’t seen in awhile, they ALWAYS comment on how in shape and healthy I look.
Most people I know are not. Fat. Tired. Stressed. Wrinkles and gray hair are taking over.
I, on the other hand, still get carded when I buy alcohol (If I recently shaved that is).
You can lead a horse to water and all that.
It does amaze me what goes on in the minds of people staring health and envious well being right in the face. I’ve thought so much about this. Is it addiction to their foods? Is it programming by the government and media? Is it disbelief that you (or me), just a little person, could really have found the fountain of youth? But it’s true, so few people want to know and even fewer want to change.
This is something you just get used to after a while of being Primal. “Wow you look so good. Your pregnancies are easy? Lucky. You have so much energy!” And on and on. I just smile and nod. What is there to say?
This is definitely the hardest part for me. The reaction I often get, is – “wow, I could never do that! You’re just so disciplined” – as if I am some magical creature that has some added allotment of willpower. I’m just a regular person who’s struggled all of my life with my weight. If I can do this, really anyone can. Why can’t they see that? On the other hand, what DOES make me different? Why did I react so strongly to learning this new information so counter to what I’ve always “known”? How was I able to just let go of everything I had been taught and go a different way? And since I did so, I just don’t understand how someone can learn about it, see the results right in front of them, and then willfully choose to do something else.
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. I’m constantly trying to remind myself that it isn’t my job to change anyone else. I need to keep my eyes on my own paper! If I do that, hopefully, a few receptive people in my life will get the message. I am thrilled that I have impacted at least one person I love, who has changed her life completely as well. That gives me hope.
I am so sorry for you loss. I appreciate all it took to share this experience. You are helping so many people!
Well, all I can say is that I have tears in my eyes…
After loosing your father I only wish you all the good things in the world!
You inspire me…
Sincerely,
Bruno Dias.
Thanks for your story. We have a family member that is similar in some ways. But diabetic and (pre-diagnosed with fronto lobal dementia) in denial. I am the only Paleo in the family but my family eats cleaner than most people we know. I make them “paleo adjusted” foods…basically what I can eat mixed with bread or pasta carbs. Some of what I am doing is trickling out to family and friends, but I dont think I have time to change their habits but i am going to try. I hope your healing and grieving process isnt long and I am glad you had those precious moments with your family. Theresa
I’m sorry for your loss. Reading this gave me a glimpse of what I can expect to go through with my mother. My mom has Alzheimer’s and the really sad part is that she is only 60. I have seen her regress through the last 2 years already, and she is becoming more childlike every time I see her. My mom was a vegan for years and was also a very active person, and now she is gaining weight at an alarming rate. I’ve talked to my parents about the Paleo diet, but my dad is her caretaker right now and he controls what she eats. She is off gluten I believe and is now eating some meat but I think it is too far gone. It feels as if I’ve already lost my mother, and I’m now just waiting for her to die.
Pam, have you looked into getting her onto coconut oil and MCT oil. If you are not familiar with this, get teh book Alzheimers Disease What if there was a cure. First of all, I dont know that this is a cure but based on her husband and actual documented studies before her and what she has discovered since, it sure seems to help retain what is left and in some cases revert them to their old personality. Dr mary Newport is her name. YOu can go to her website but I found the book very informative. Now we are trying to get my MIL to intergrate this into her diet. Best wishes, Theresa
Pam,
My mom appears to be in the same boat. I saw what my dad looked like in the beginning stages and recognize the same in my mom.
I had a grandma that died at 92 of old age. She was lovely up until her death. She was raised on a farm. You truly mourn when they die. But when Alzheimer’s takes them, when they die, you rejoice.
Peggy and all who have commented with similar stories, I am sorry for your pain, and I hope the universe grants you the strength you need to deal with such difficult situations.
I have certainly run against walls with friends and family members who don’t want to be helped, but thankfully most have made some changes for the better at least. Still, my dad has a good sized collection of symptoms of the sort that tend to affect susceptible people after 50, and I know that if he would only give up his addictions to gluten and sugar he could stop them early and enjoy a good, long life, but no.
It’s very hard to let go of the need to help. One imagines that one’s desperate desire to make them well will somehow transfer to them and make them want to change their lifestyle on the spot. It’s confusing and immensely disheartening when it inevitably does not work out that way. It must have been unimaginably difficult for you Peggy, dealing with that refusal/denial/weakness in three close people at once. You have great strength to have dealt with it as you did, and to be able to put it out here with such blatant honesty.
Condolences.
Alexandra,
Thank you for saying so but I cannot accept so much praise. It was obvious to me many years ago that if they didn’t change, they would die. I talked their ears off about all of the things I learned. I must have been so annoying. I sent books in the mail. I begged. I praised. I criticized. I wouldn’t shut up. Being the youngest of 5 with much older parents, death was coming on sooner than it does for most my age and I wanted to stop it.
It took me a while to realize that people make their own decisions. Before I figured that out I must have been a royal pain in the arse.
I am so sorry for your loss, Peggy. It sounds like your dad was an amazing person. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.
Dear Peggy,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am SO sorry for your loss!
Nothing else to say, really. Just really truly sorry.
Your Dad sounds like a truly awesome person. You did good and, yes, you are right, there is nothing else you could have done/ changed.
Peace,
Julia
Wishing you and your family much peace! You wrote a beautiful post. It IS so important to see what IS and not what you wish would be, and its also so important to remember and appreciate the good times. Good for you! You have nothing to regret, because each and every one of us have to find our own way, nutrition wise or in any other direction!
love,
Sunmaiden
Been reading your blog for a while and I love it bc you are so damn honest. I don’t like to comment much on blogs but I had to with this one. My dad died 2 yrs ago from similar brain issues and there wasn’t anything I could do either. I don’t really ever get sad about death( I always thought that was strange but apparently I’m not the only “cold” person out there) but I do think a lot more when it happens. It is a shame when bad ass men die. I often think that there are many that should’ve gone first. But that’s crap. We should be able to die with dignity and honor and it sounds like your dad died with both of those intact bc of how he lived. Mine did not. What he did leave was a lesson in futility. All his life he tried to control others and determine their path for them and he was ultimately rejected bc of this. We can’t control shit and thinking we even have a right to “save” someone is foolish. I’ve been primal for about 3 yrs and my health has never been better. My wife, not so much. But she doesnt want to get better and even tho it may destroy my marriage, trying to change anything about her will do the same thing. Like you said, all we can do is live our lives and try to be good examples to those that we care about. As painful as it is, that’s the only way to ensure that WE get to die with dignity and honor. You are an awesome writer and I hope to read more from you for a long time.
Cheers
Thank you Daniel,
My mom sounds just like your dad. It took following in her footsteps for a while, though, before I realized just how foolish it is to try to control others. Unfortunately, my mom has alienated many in this way. That is a lonely path.
Living a Primal lifestyle has taught me many things – how very little control we have is definitely one of them.
Yeah I followed my dad’s ways for quite a long time until I went Primal. All the time I was justifying it to myself saying things like, “I’m just trying to do the right thing,” and other lies of that nature. Going Primal was the best thing I ever did and now I only try(and fail-ALOT lol) to control myself.
Cheers
Peggy,
I am very sorry for the loss of your father. The time you spent caring for him, while living with your mother and sister, sounds like an incredibly difficult time. Thank you for writing about it and sharing the insights you gained during that time. This post will be incredibly helpful for those of us with family members struggling with similar family issues.
Take care of yourself!
thanks for sharing peggy. its helpful to those of us who struggle under similar life circumstances. what you say, is of course, the only sane approach that one can take. thank you.
Your strength and your insights are moving. Thank you for sharing this.
Peggy, I am so sorry for your loss, both from your sister and now your Dad.
This story hits so close to home for me. My own brother died of a drug overdose many years ago and now I am watching (from afar) my mom and dad drink themselves to death. It’s difficult to watch and feel like I can do nothing.
The only choice I have is to take care of myself, my immediate family and anyone else that is willing to listen.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you all so much for the comments and kind words.
I write these posts because I know that there are few places we can go to commiserate in this way. Well, it’s the same for me. This community means a lot to me.
Hi Peggy – This is my first time commenting but I’ve been reading for a while. I just want to say thank you for being so frank in your writing. I definitely share these feelings of frustration that I’ve found a healing path for my daughter and myself, and feel a lot of pain at watching my family hurt themselves with their food. I also feel a lot of anger when I imagine a future where I’m supposed to be a caretaker for family members who have made terrible choices their entire lives, even when they’ve seen our health improve dramatically by changing what we eat. I just disagree with the fundamental American assumption that we will spend years if not decades at the end of our life disabled to some degree and needing significant assistance. Even though I have an autoimmune disease I plan to stay vibrant and active til the end.
Also I’d like to share a personal story that was a very powerful experience for me. My grandmother experienced pretty serious dementia toward the end of her life. She had a stroke and afterward she was able to communicate but not use one side of her body. She lived about two weeks after that and I spent a lot of time with her in Hospice. The thing that was truly amazing was that when she reached the point where she was no longer eating, her “dementia” magically “disappeared.” As soon as she wasn’t eating carbs (which was about all she had been eating) her mental clarity was remarkable. She recognized everyone who came to visit her, was able to recall every detail of past and present and was absolutely “with it” til the end. I will take that with me to my grave, knowing that consuming a grain- and sugar-based diet took my grandmother’s mind away from her, but it was always there, waiting for her to take back.
Oh Annie, that just about made me cry. I didn’t see my dad for several weeks before he died. I was going to see him for Easter but since my daughter was with her dad I thought I’d wait a week. Then he was gone. I wonder if I could have seen the same take place in him. You are lucky to have that last memory. That is really precious.
Wow.
I’m truly sorry for you loss Peggy.
Alzheimer’s and dementia really are horrible and unnecessary diseases. Both my living grandparents are currently suffering from it, and my father’s mother died about 7 years ago after having dementia for a few years. I suspected diet had a lot to do with it and I’m determined not to suffer from it myself as I grow older. I tried to explain this to my dad, but he thinks Alzheimer’z unavoidable as it “runs in the family”. However, he does eat well enough and takes turmeric every day, so he does realise there is some connection between diet and brain function.
Anyway, I love your honest and raw posts; they really motivate me when I feel I’m slipping.
Peggy – I’m sorry for your loss. Your story resonated with me for one big reason – not the loss of a parent, I’ve yet to experience that, but more the memories of what your Dad taught you, the things you did together, that made me realise I want my kids to have those kinds of memories of me when I’m gone and that I need to take advantage of every second I have with them instead of squandering the time we have. Thanks for waking me up.
That is touching Peter. Indeed there is a lesson to be learned on both ends, as parent or child. My boyfriend always says that couples who play together stay together. I’ve realized that parents and kids who play together are more attached too.
Hi Peggy.
I’m really sorry for your loss. What a searing and incredibly well-written and heartfelt post. When I was in college I had a friend who used to always jokingly say “we’re all victims.” He repeated it a lot and we’d always life. I think we found it funny because there was so much truth in it. My live-in in-laws are both suffering from serious cognitive decline, spending thousands on manifold prescription drugs, half of which were casually prescribed years ago despite their serious side effects; their diets are just a big mound of metabolic junk.
They’re victims of the standard American diet and our predatory food industry. On the other hand, there’s this other category of person–younger, more educated and far more able to grok the paleo thing, but unwilling to give it a shot. As you rightly point out, we can try to help these people, but ultimately it’s up to them.
The thing is, the best thing you can do by far is just lead by example, as you’ve been doing. I don’t go around preaching paleo, but I’ve lost 45 pounds at age 42. That speaks for itself, and I’ve ‘saved’ one or two people simply because they’ve asked ‘How did you do it?’
Anyway, I wish you all the best during this difficult time.
JoelG, Atlanta
Hi Peggy
Condolences on your Father’s passing.
I follow your blog as I too strive to be Paleo. My Dad died of colon cancer June 1996. Back then I didn’t know half of what I know now. He was a hard working, hard living man but generous, funny and smart. I too tried to get him to stop smoking and drinking. Diet would have been out of the question. Towards the end he tried to embrace natural therapies but it was too late. I feel that we share what we know with people who want to hear and those that don’t I hope maybe one day they might understand that we have been fed lies. Keep up the good work and know that there are people out there who share your way of life.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad and your sister. Thank you so much for your insight because this is something I have been struggling with as well. I lost my mom to colon cancer 10 months ago. I know now it was caused by diet. That is also what caused her high blood pressure, fatty live, fibromyalgia and so on. Poor diet has caused so many issues with my health and I have been working to change that for the last 10 months. I want to convert my entire family but am finding it really isn’t my choice to do. Again, thank you and my heart is with you.
Your dad sounded like a lovely man, and lucky to have you. About your family ignoring your nutritional advice, if it’s any consolation there are just so many people desperate to become healthy and raise healthy children. And really eager to hear how you did it. I’m often touched by your posts – how honest and raw they are, but this is the first one that moved me to tears. Sending you a hug for your loss, and gratitude for putting all this out into the world (slash internet)
Oh, Peggy. I’m sorry about your dad, and your sister and your mom, too. I watched my dad eat himself to death at the young age of 45. I thought he was going to die from skin cancer because of all the bad sunburns he got all the time, but esophageal cancer got him first. But he realized what killed him. I remember him gathering us kids around and telling us it was the cookies, the ice cream, and the processed food that did it to him. Sadly, it seems not all of us kids have taken him seriously. Now I’m watching as my two younger brothers eat just as bad as my dad did. My older brother and my sister are more health-minded, but still not quite there. My sister I truly worry about as I see her health deteriorating even though I know she’s trying…I just wish I could take her under my wing. It’s so painful, isn’t it? To watch them suffer and be able to do little more than say, “Hey, I might know a little something that could help.”
It sounds like your dad was incredible. Thank you for sharing a bit of his life with us.
Peggy,
May your father rest in peace. My family is heading towards a similar scenario and this article was both re-assuring and confronting to read.
Thank you for your sharing Peggy
Stay strong,
Peter
My deepest condolences, Peggy. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My mother-in-law has Lewy body demetia and is nearing the end of her life, as well. Take care.
I needed this message. When my Stepdad was first diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to his brain and bones, i did want to fly to him and save him with Paleo, etc. I was also conflicted at the time because my childhood with him wasn’t idyllic. In the end he didn’t ‘need’ me until more recently, and I came with less savior and more ‘get closure’ in mind. Turns out I’m a half-way decent caregiver, and I’m trying hard to stay away from ‘I can save him’ thoughts. This post came during our first 24 hours with him and his ailing/suffering wife. It really gave me pause and helped me see my role here in a clearer light. I can do so much for them (all of us, really) that is more immediate – ambulatory, comfort, etc. I can’t undo all the years of abuse and neglect and bad food choices and smoking.
I looked at him sleeping a few minutes ago, and was overwhelmed with feelings. I will miss my Stepdad dearly.
Very sorry for your loss Peggy. My family sounds very familiar to yours and my parents are in the beginning stages of what will be years of a painful demise due to their poor choices the last 60 years. It’s been incredibly challenging to walk away from helping because I have nothing more to offer them at this point than my relationship with them. Hoping you find comfort in the memories of your dad.
Thank you Kendall, I have found memories to be the most comforting thing about the death of loved ones. That is why I recommend to everyone to turn off the tv and get out in the world. Building real memories creates happiness.
I was thinking about this last night when Julian, Evelyn, and I went for a late night walk through fields and lawns in search of toilet paper and then came home to a game of toss (some silly game). I thought to myself how many families were sitting in front of the television, letting life pass them by. Someday, when I am away from them, those memories, and all the others we make each and every day, will comfort me.
Since you mention it, I just had to throw that out there.
I am so sorry for your loss! As I sit here and read this it felt as if I were reading about the last 2 years of my life. My mother just passed away of brain cancer and was as stubborn as they come so she fought it til the end no doubt. I am much like her in that aspect
Although I didn’t know enough about nutrition by then in order to help her prior to her illness, I do remember trying to get her to take better care of herself. Everyone must want to change their habits, it’s very hard to sit back and watch people do this to themselves. You did all you could and were there for them as much as you could be, so take pride in that. I know and understand all too well though the feeling that you wish it could have been more. We all do!!
An emotive post Peggy, thanks for sharing that, I hope that getting it down in words also helps you arrange your thoughts.
Feeling that the world can be saved with saturated fat seems like a common theme in the online scene. Personally I love paleo for health, but I think ignoring humanity’s big existential questions and just focusing on how we can live a bit longer and a bit healthier is an exercise in communal self-indulgence. Questions about who we are, why we’re here, where we go when we die etc. will not be answered by macronutrient ratios and bone broth! Robb Wolf’s plea not to “turn this into a religion” highlights people’s insecurities and need for some kind of ultimate answer which I’m afraid grass-fed meat won’t satisfy.
Before these questions can be answered with any clarity and sense, good nutrition must be established. I got a degree in philosophy back when I was still really unhealthy. I was scatterbrained, depressed, confused, worried, etc. In all of those years of studying and contemplating the bigger questions of life, I didn’t really get anywhere. Later, after changing my diet, philosophy was so much simpler, came so much easier, and was much less of an issue than I had thought it was.
You’d have to be a real idiot to think that the world can be saved with saturated fat but you’d be naive to think that you’ll ever get anywhere of any real value while your mind is still wrapped up in the trappings of bad health. The first step to truly meaningful deep thought is clarity of mind. I take that as a religion for sure.
Peggy, I agree with you completely about clarity of mind. It’s very hard to get that when you’re not eating right. People don’t seem to understand just how much our food affects us, especially our moods. Tom, I find your statement somewhat ignorant and insensitive.
I, too, would love to save the people in my life, and I would preach paleo until the cows come home but they don’t want to hear it. And that’s fine by me. It’s not my place to push it on people, even though I want to because I know how much they would benefit. I don’t really think it’s all that silly to think that the world can be saved by saturated fat, people just have to be willing to listen. But they’re not. So we’ll just have to keep eating paleo, leading by example, and show people how healthy we can be. It doesn’t have to become a religion, but I’ll preach paleo any day of the week. It’s helped my diabetes tremendously so far and I can’t wait to see what else eating right and being healthy will do for me.
Nathalie, I hadn’t meant any offense at all by my comment, in fact quite the opposite, sorry if that didn’t come across. Re-reading it I can see that it might come across as critical of the content of Peggy’s site which is not what I meant at all – I love this site and visit all the time!
I love sharing bits and pieces of paleo advice with people when and where I can and fully agree about the importance of nutrition, but my comment was in sympathy with Peggy’s own observation: “We aren’t going to save the world with our knowledge of nutrition and disease… We can help ourselves and others who ask for it and we can accept things the way they are. That’s all.” All I was trying to say was that if we pin our hopes on fixing everyone with “the truth we’ve discovered”, I think we line ourselves up for bitterness and disappointment.
I just found your blog and I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much though for posting this. As you can see from my blog, my Mom has dementia (Alzheimers is a form of dementia) and I lived with her for 2.5 years until we finally had to move out. See to drinks Ensure. She only likes to eat hot dogs and ice cream. She sees animals and picks at non-existent bugs on the floor. It is SO hard to watch your loved one go through that and for your other parent to care for them.
In the mean time, I have bipolar disorder and all the medications make me very sick. My doctors recommended a diet with NO sugar or gluten and more protein. But, living with my parents, that diet was not possible. I had to decide to either save myself or save them so we moved, but just a few miles away. Now I am Paleo and if I can stick with that my bipolar is under control. I still need to tweak things as I have horrible acne and hair growth-signs of PCOS but no diagnosis.
While your story is sad and I feel for you and send you many good wishes, I am so grateful to you for sharing it. I can’t wait to read the rest of your blog and get more insight.
Thanks for all you do!
I feel for you Katie and I wish you luck. Your situation sounds a little more like my sister’s than mine. She lived with my parents much longer than I and had an impossible time sticking to a healthy diet while in that house. She too was bi-polar (so was I years ago before I went Paleo) and was on many meds. You’ve done the right thing by leaving. One must always take care of themselves before they can really take care of another.