The Primal Parent

More Kids, More Love

| 16 Comments

When I found out I was pregnant with Maya I was a little afraid to make her acquaintance. You see, I didn’t feel the need for another baby myself – I just wanted to give Evelyn a sibling. Coming from a big family, brothers and sisters were important to me. So, very matter of factly, I planned to give Evelyn a brother or sister.

Once that seed was planted, though, something occurred to me – raising children isn’t a matter of fact, it’s a matter of love. This might just be a problem, I thought to myself. I can’t possibly love anyone as much as I love Evelyn.

I love Evelyn so much it’s just insane. I am in absolute awe of her. I miss her when she’s not around. I want to take her everywhere and show her everything. I think she is amazing.

You can’t do that with two people at the same time, can you?

My reasoning went like this: When you have a partner and you love him/her a whole hell of a lot, well, you usually only have one of them. I mean, you could have 2 or 3 boy/girlfriends at once, but when you start to fall in love you usually narrow it down to just one.

My only experience really has been with guys, not children, so I figured it would be the same – I could only love one. I figured I would never be able to muster up that same kind of love for another child. I feared that the new baby would be the second, lonely and neglected kid and Evelyn would be mommy’s little girl. I felt like I had made a great big mistake in getting pregnant.

I was honestly scared about this so I went to talk to my mom. She had five kids so she must know something about loving many at once. She did, of course. She had even feared it once herself only to find out that she was completely misguided. There is always enough love.

Now that baby Maya is here I find that my mom was totally right! Not only is there enough love but I am doubly full of it. I am so smitten with this child and with Evelyn, it’s beautiful. I am a truly lucky woman to get to feel so much love all of the time.

And to think I never wanted kids…

Have you ever worried about sharing the love and the passion with subsequent children? If you don’t have kids, do you wonder about your ability to love even one enough?

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16 Comments

  1. Love this post and love your honesty. My wife and I have one son and he just turned one. I can honestly say that I did not feel true “love” for him until about 6 months. Before that, it was this intense desire to protect him and help him survive, but it was not love. Now, my love for him grows daily.

    I never questioned if there would be enough love for another. I think obviously there is and you have confirmed that.

    • You know, as I recall, I think it took me a bit to really connect with Evelyn too. Not so the second time around. It was love at first sight. I wonder if cesarean vs. vaginal birth played a role in that at all… Who knows.

  2. I was the same way…never wanted to have kids then had my son and fell head over heels :-) When I unexpectedly became pregnant with my second only five months later I feared both that I couldn’t love her as much as I loved my first but then also became worried that I might neglect the first because I had to tend to the second….needless to say it is so awesome to have my little boy and girl growing and learning together :-) I feel that my heart is ever growing with my family and I love even better…thank God :-)

    • Wow five months! Seems like it would be a challenge not to neglect one of them! They are so needy when that young. We aren’t having any issues with giving Evelyn enough attention either. If anything, she’s getting more because we are focusing on it more.

    • Seriously, how DO you manage to care for a toddler and newborn at the same time? My baby girl is 9 weeks and, in theory, I would love for her to have an “Irish twin” … but what on earth do you do with the older one while you’re nursing all day and night?

      For once, my worries are more practical than existential, but it’s also great to have my guess confirmed that at least there is enough love, if not time, to go around.

  3. This is so timely. I’m pregnant with my second and even though it was planned, it wasn’t until after I found out I was pregnant that I started to realize I was doing this for my daughter and my husband, and not necessarily because I had a deep need for two kids. I absolutely adore my 2 year old and love that it is just me and her all day. I was at the playground the day I tested positive, and heard a mom joke with her 4 year old that she wanted to keep her that size forever. I actually started to cry (behind my sunglasses, thankfully) because I realized that when my daughter is 4, there will be another kid and it won’t be just us two anymore. Ever since I’ve just felt scared!

    It’s really reassuring to hear that the second one can pull at your heart the way the first did. I honestly feel a little guilty even thinking about the baby growing in my belly. It’s weird, but maybe normal to feel that way? Have you felt any guilt with realizing you love the second as much as the first, or did it just feel natural having actually met your new baby?

  4. I know exactly what you mean Casey. Evelyn and I had so much fun together. Always hanging out – climbing, jumping off the swings together, racing, snowboarding, all kinds of stuff. What would I need another kid for when we were such good pals? Especially if it might get in the way of that.

    You know, what I felt guilty about was that I couldn’t do many of those things while I was pregnant. We are both happy that the old me is back.

    But also, I felt guilty for the baby inside me who might come into this world unloved. I know it sounds horrible but I really didn’t know! It was such a relief when I met her and I was indeed smitten. And no, I do not feel guilty for loving Maya. It’s just so natural, I can’t explain it. The wonderful thing is that Evelyn loves her just as much as I do. We’d have to feel guilty together!

  5. I felt this way with my first child. I felt totally sucked dry, I was depressed, and I hated myself so much. I felt numb and totally empty inside. I remember writing a something in a journal I kept back then. I didn’t know if I had any love to give this child. I mean, I was so devoid of emotion, how could I muster up what I needed to for him? And I wanted to. I didn’t actually feel anything for him until he was a few weeks old, I’m pretty sure I was in shock after his birth. I just looked down at him, and it hit me. It felt like falling in and drowning in love for this tiny little person. With my second, I already knew what to expect, and I felt that love straight away. You really do always have enough love. Your girls are beautiful Peggy.

  6. Polyamory – it’s possible to love more than one partner at a time, and kids are a common example to show it’s possible. Funny that you had it the other way around :)

  7. so beautiful to read all above……I am actually not sure if Id ever like a child and def not seeing myself with more then one….Im so scared of the change that comes with having children and not being able to be me just as I am now on my own……and it terrifies me that I would have to neglect myself and care for another for a long time and what if I didn’t like it?I wouldn’t be able to just give the kid away….but then what if i grow into a bitter unhappy woman as a result? It saddens me sometimes especially that Im with a wonderful man and he absolutely adores children and would love to have them in the future….Love what some of you mentioned about not being sure for a while and then discovering a joy for motherhood later-it really touched me deeply ,thank you
    AM

  8. I know the feeling! I now have three and I too feel so lucky to get to feel so much love all of the time! :D

  9. I am pregnant with my second child and I was having these exact same thoughts the other day. I even worried if my feelings for my first daughter would change after the new baby is here. I’m glad that you had the courage to vocalize this and that I am not alone with these thoughts. Thanks so much for sharing.

  10. Yes! I can totally relate to this! I was an only child, and never even had a friend who had more than one or two siblings. Today I’m pregnant with my sixth child in eight years (yes, we’re crazy). When we first entered into big family territory I worried so much about this, but every month that goes by shows me again how misguided those feelings were. Not only do I truly love each of my children infinitely, but there is more total love in the house since they love one another so much as well! It’s really amazing to see.

    Congratulations again, and thanks for another great post!

  11. Thank you for this post! I’m pregnant with #2 right now and I keep thinking those same things! It is very reassuring to read that someone else was worried about the same things.

  12. I have these feelings as well. My daughter (also Evelyn :) ) is about to turn a year old and we will probably be gearing up to try to have another one soon. But like several people mentioned here, I don’t really have a deep desire to have another child. I want to give her a sibling and I can’t imagine loving another child the way I love her. I also worry about her feeling neglected when another baby comes. I guess i just rest on faith and the words of other wise women (like yourself) who say that there is enough love to go around. Thanks for this post…I’m glad I stumbled upon it.

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